I watched the girls do 100 dumb ass "tricks" in the pool today. ...it was amusing. Seeing them play and giggle helps me be present.
Today is your birthday. I feel...numb. Not happy. Not sad. Just blank. Zoning off alot. I've done alot of research on grief lately (you know I like to understand things I go through) and apparently being numb is your brain's way of protecting you from experiencing an overload of pain all at once. Sounds about right.
When my mind wanders to all of the things we miss, and will miss experiencing together in the future it puts me in a pit. I try to think of what you would want to see me do with life. Sometimes it's motivating. Other times it makes me want to pop the back of your head cuz Lord knows you'd be a hot mess, unreasonable, grumpy ol man.
You always said I was the strong one. ....fuckin where. I don't see it, or feel it. I don't want to HAVE to be. I want to crumble. And give up. But God doesn't let me. I feel Him near. On my worst days, there's always some kind of sign that we'll be okay. I want to believe that. I DO believe that.
I've had so many thoughts go through my head, but there's one consistent one of something I need to do. And I'm going to listen to that voice. For you. I will keep going. For you. (And the kids, but fuck them 🤌😅) Watch over the little boy, baybay.
I love you. Happy Birthday Cornejo. Have some angel cake (ha, you love my jokes. 😌)
Until I see you again,